my ascent into adulthood
Seeing people the same age as you doing awesome things with their life
i really don’t want to get out of bed i just want to sleep for a couple of days
I’m really sorry if this pisses anyone off or anything, just in advance.
I’ve never really opened up and told anyone all of this at once, and there are a lot of people that are close to me that probably don’t know a majority of this, and I’m kind of tired of just keeping it all locked up inside because it’s getting to be too much.
The bad in my life kind of started out with my dad. Remembering my much younger years, he was a good dad. I don’t know if it was just because I was young and I didn’t know any better, or because he really was how i saw him. When I started getting a little older, the only thing I can remember him being was drunk. And when he was drunk, he was violent. Eventually he and my mother, when I was 8, got a divorce and agreed on shared custody. He and my sister never got along, but I still loved my dad more than anything. It was always a weird distanced relationship, and as I got older and my sister stopped going every other weekend, I began to realize I didn’t love him as much as I thought I did.
Everything went pretty okay for a while after that, I moved to a new school and made some new friends. It was always hard because my mom didn’t leave near the new district, so I could only really see my friends unless I was with my dad or in school. It wasn’t that big of a deal to me and didn’t effect me much.
Because my mom was a single mom, she had to take on a better job. This required her to work shifts where she wouldn’t be able to get us up and take us to school and things like that, so we ended up pretty much living with my grandma, we called her Mam (we couldn’t pronounce “Mom” when we were younger and heard our mom calling her that, it came out as Mam and it stuck). Mam put us to bed every night, cooked for us, everything. Then one night, while i was sleeping in her room, I woke up to her on the phone with my uncle. Her crying woke my sister up and she helped me walk her downstairs. That night, I watched Mam have a heart attack and pass away in my sister’s arms. We were in the house alone with her after that for what seemed like forever, but in reality was only probably 5 minutes. I was only freshly 14 and I don’t think I was ever the same after that.
Our family kind of went downhill after that. I stopped seeing my aunt and uncle anywhere near as much as I used to. My mom kind of changed and became more of a cold person. I didn’t really talk to anyone after that and kind of just tried to numb myself. My sister, Jessica, got into a lot of stupid shit. I think it was a combination of us barely speaking to my dad anymore (and all of the problems she had with him) and everything that happened with my grandmother. Unfortunately, my sister did get into hard drugs. She came to the family, got help, and got clean. Just going through that was exhausting for any of us, and created what seemed like both a new bond and also tension between her and my mom.
This is 4 years after my grandmother passed away, and I came home to just my uncle. He came up, hugged me, and told me my sister was dead. She wasn’t sick, she was clean, just bought a house with her fiancee, and everything had just been 100% fine. We couldn’t figure out what happened, and even to this day everything is still so confusing. My mom was home by the time I got to her house, and everything after that was mostly one big blur. One of the main things that I remember, and still makes me mad to the point of shaking, was my dad. When I first saw him, he hugged me and cried, as would be expected. But as soon as I got near him, I could smell the alcohol on his breath. It made me so mad I couldn’t even say anything, I just walked away. My mom’s boyfriend (who I regard as a step-father) paid for my sister’s entire funeral. He and my sister did not get along at ALL, but yet he still gave every dollar he had to do this. I remember walking into the room to be with my mother, and overheard him talking to someone about him buying all of the flowers, which he did not. Normally something like that would not bother me, but 1.) you show up to your daughters funeral after you had been drinking (he told my mom he went to the bar beforehand) and 2.) you did not pay for ONE thing the entire time. not ONE thing. And before and after that, he never paid for anything for my sister and I. Not school clothes, no fundraisers, our dance classes, softball, nothing. But had money to drink and smoke all day, every day.
After my sister’s funeral, I spoke to my dad at the wake. It’s been over a year, and I haven’t talked to him once. On one hand, I feel really bad about it, because I know he knows he fucked up with Jessica and is now never going to get a chance to fix that. But at the same time, I don’t feel bad at all. He had 18 years to be a dad, and if thats what it takes for him to realize he fucked up with me as well, he doesn’t deserve to be a dad. At least not to me.
Throughout all of this was Sean, my love and my world. We had dated in high school during my freshman year, things got messy, and we split up. A lot of drama happened with his friends that doesn’t even bother me enough to explain it, but it put tension on he and I being friends. He enlisted in the marines, and left for a while to do his thing. One day at a 4th of July party, we got back together. We dated for almost a year (during school) in which is where Mam passed away. Then between my junior year and senior, we started dating again. This past 4th of july would have been another 2 years for us, but something happened. The day after I went to see Lady Gaga (which made so incredibly happy, which is rare), he hadn’t texted me all day until around 5, where he then pretty much said he didn’t love me anymore and was done. He refused to come to my house after I got off work and talk, he wouldn’t do anything. He just cut me off and never said a word to me after that. The week after that was absolute depression, then the anger came, then it kind of just went away.
A lot of things in life still make me more angry and depressed than I ever thought I could be. I would give anything for my life to have never taken the downward spirals that it has, to have everyone back. I will always love my grandma and my sister, and will probably always be some kind of in love with Sean. But the whole reason for me writing all of this is so that it can be here now, instead of in my head. I’ve been going through therapy for a while now, and it has been helping, but it can’t help you any more than you’re willing to help yourself.
I just really needed to get that out, breathe, and tell myself that life goes on and you just have to keep on going. I don’t want any pity or anything, a lot of people already know some of this stuff and even more. There are also people that know me that know none of this. I’m sorry I haven’t told any of you (?), but most of the time with this stuff I bottle it up. But I’m done with that.
Sorry this was so long and probably clogs your dash.
different body types for girls in anime more like [INCREASE BOOB]